Fear Rising, Rising In a Tidal Wave of Emotion...

Oh Holy Shit. And I say that in the most reverent tones. What the hell happens to the average undergrad when they finish a crappy little Double Major Honous BA, from a corporately large University with a self-proclaimed 'International' reputation - which we all know is utter bullshit as it is considered a 'decent Provincial institution'? These poor little undergrads, quickly realizing the uselessness of the piece of paper they have signed five years of their life away to achieve (and gaining alcoholic and cynical tendencies in the meantime) end up..... GOING HOME.
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HOME! OH HOLY SHIT!

Returning to a town of under 10 000 which relies solely on a pulp mill and other (NOW OBVIOUS TO THE ENLIGHTENED UNDERGRAD) unsustainable resource industries, whose population revels in 4x4ing (admittedly fun) ATVing (also fun) paintball (goodtimes) weed smoking (no comment) rally-racing Chevettes ('vettin 4 life - nothing wrong with that...WAIT A MINUTE) partying with highschool kids in classic locations such as a particular spot on a logging road, or a secluded beach, or the only park in the town, or destroying somebody's house (NEVER have a house party in a small town - your fish and possibly your cat will die a particularly gruesome and humorous death) and figuring out ways to avoid the bottleneck on the ONLY highway created by the 3 police officers holding a road block - all of whom you are on a first-name basis with.

Outlook: not good.

Side Bar...

Why is it that men cannot understand that perhaps the female 'personality' that they encounter - is NOT uptight, or frigid, or 'crazy' - but instead - these are simple reactions to their utter incompetence at making someone feel comfortable, respected, or CLEAN while they are around them?

I cite today's occurrence at which a friend who had 'visited' me agreed that I was a little 'uptight'. This, I however profferred as an option/excuse for him to use in light of the fact that I did not feel attracted to him, and therefore did not feel the need to screw him. The thing that pisses me off the most is that he will stick with this idea forevermore - until someone tells him that his photography is shit, and his penchant for being a pornphotographer is quite obvious in the distasteful poses he chooses - and - goddammit - I'm a better photographer than he.

However I like laughing up my sleeve at him with the idea that I'm frigid. Little does he know....

I Love My Life...

You see, there is a REASON I didn't want to tell anybody about RandomMan. And that stemmed from the fear that something oh so wrong could happen, you know. That 'what-if' idea - and the less you speak about it, the more its fine. Once you break it out into the open, then you have to hash it over and deal with it, and when things happen - they go public.

Like perhaps, last night. Where I'm having a lovely, procrastination break at 3 am, talking to a friend and RandomMan. Wherein RandomMan confides that he has to continue paying for his online dating account, as he 'instant messaged' someone. Right off the bat, I'm like oh shit - "warning, warning, abort mission" - he's online-cheating on me - cause he sure didn't IM me. (Which precludes the idea - why the shit do I care? This whole thing is for creepers ONLINE). And he then proceeds to talk about how the chat rooms for that website are really interesting... and here... the warning bells get louder, and louder inside my head. Which is about the point where he interjects that however, he doesn't really 'interact' in the chatrooms....and at this point - I've got a firealarm going off in my head. He continues with the observation that people just have webcams. Basically - there is an air raid signal going off in the nether- reaches of my brain, before he just blurts out that he really just enjoys WATCHING.

Last night, the only person who seemed to have any interest in me - after three months of wading through broken english MSN-chatting, being stood up last week for gelato by a different guy, inviting a man who I didn't know was married, to a charity event - which he didn't even show up to, finding out the "lesbian" friend I sat next to at said charity event is actually involved with a man with a kid - and even at that, when I thought perhaps I could have a crush on my head delegate, he mentioned that the 'failed' lesbian (as I thought) was a FOX!, - that ONE person who has showed a continued interest, is a self proclaimed voyeur. When he asked me what my 'thing' was, I suppressed my instant reaction. I instead congratulated him on discovering himself- remarking on how exciting that is... And subsequently blocked him on my MSN list.

I fucking well love my life.